


to even exist

by sonia (aquatulip)



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 23:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2406074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquatulip/pseuds/sonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>with 76 days left, you kiss him<br/>and he kisses back with his fingers tangled in thin, wispy strands. </p><p>with 76 days left, you wonder why time is a relevant function<br/>and why a timer is counting down within the cavity of your chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to even exist

**Author's Note:**

> this is for alice i cried while writing this

(your hair was _long_  
when we first _met_...)

you begin to wonder about t i m e.   
tick. tock. tick. tock.   
you wonder why there's a timer in your chest.  
tick tick tick tick.  
why your days are numbered.  
tock. tock. tock.  
you wonder why  _he_ only had 563 days.  
ti-ti-tick. tock.

with 76 days left, you kiss him  
and he kisses back with his fingers tangled in thin, wispy strands of your hair.  
  
with 76 days left, you wonder why time is a relevant function  
and why a timer is counting down within the cavity of your chest.

kamukura izuru is a  _s e c r e t_. but you can keep secrets very well; you clutch them so tightly to your chest that you absorb them into your bloodstream. your bones sing with the secrets that your lips cannot spill. this secret is different though, it is a secret that you do not wish to give away. you tuck this one away far away from the outside world, far away from grappling, greedy hands. everyone who knows this secret hides it away, but you have a different reason: a selfish, mean reason. you want kamukura to yourself. not his genius, but his  _hope_ , his  _love._ you do not care for what he can achieve; you only care for what he wishes to achieve. there is a crease between his eyes that you wish to smooth down with the pads of your fingertips, but you know that your touch with not be healing. instead, it will scorch him. all you know how to do is ruin this boy who doesn't smile and always looks tired. 

when you kiss him on the 26th of november, you don't think about how his hands are needy or how you don't feel a bit of selfishness running through your veins. instead, you feel weightless with a tingling in your fingertips that makes you think you might be in love, except you've never been one for love, so you have to question it. searching kamukura's widened crimson eyes, you ask, "do you love me?" and his breath hitches in his chest, and your palm is pressed  _right there_  and you can feel his heartbeat pick up pace and you wonder how someone this remarkably perfect can truly be human: be like  _you_. his eyes reflect something that you recognize as the feeling behind your kneecaps. how every part of you feels weary and sluggish. that's the answer you are looking for, you realize.

"i think," he says, but kamukura izuru was not made for love.   
so you taint him with open-mouthed kisses splayed across his jawline.

you corrupt him with words of love  
and you watch the flowers in his chest bloom.

with 76 days left, you realize that you are in love with a monster  
and he should not be able to love  
but neither should you.

"i'm not," he sighs; his brow is furrowing again and you want to press your lips against that small expanse of skin. again and again, endlessly. "komaeda," he is trying to form functional sentences but components are missing and your fingers are interlocked with his and your lips might be bruised because you can't remember anything except how good it feels to kiss him. now he is sputtering out bits of thoughts that you cannot comprehend. "why do you think that?" he finally settles on.

you blink, once then twice, because all of this is so simple to you. all of this makes sense, to you. "because you are like  _me_. they cut you open and  _fixed_ you."   
"that makes me a  _monster_ ," he replies simply, and you don't understand why he isn't understanding.

"you've always been a monster," you say, "this just unlocked your potential." 

* * *

 

when the world is crashing down around you, you realize that you fucking hate him. if he appeared, you'd beat your fists against his skin until beautiful purples sprouted: until all the flowers that you had planted were ripped away from their foundation. except, the world is ending and he is standing before you and your lips are meeting his again and again and again and again and this is supposed to be  _despair_ , but he still tastes like  _hope_  and you  _cling_ to his very  _scent_ like a small dog who is marking their owner. 

your thin fingers tangle in his hair. his lips are soft against your chapped ones, but he doesn't mind and he makes a noise that you catch in your throat.

and you  _c r y_.  _  
_

tears are unsightly and weak, but you don't care. you cannot stop them because you know that this will all be over soon because a boat is coming for you. then you will feel the ache within your bones because no longer will you be able to kiss kamukura izuru until the sun rises. instead, you will have to settle with tracing figures in the sand with the memory of how hope tastes when it is swallowed midst monsters who hide themselves in sheep's clothing and share kisses as though they have whole hearts that beat in sync with the rest of the world. you know your heart beats in reverse and the only reason the pace of his can meet yours is because his is the same.

this time, you don't tell him that you are both monsters, instead you mutter words against the hollow of his neck as you hold tightly to his frame. "i revere you," you say, but he just holds you tighter when you say that and you realize that he wants to hear you say _i love you_ one last time before all of this is over, but you know that if you say it, then you will reveal that you are human and that he is worth so much to you and for some reason you feel like saying  _i love you..._

...is saying _goodbye_.

* * *

 hinata hajime is not kamukura izuru  
and you cannot love a lie. 

or so you think.

you awake within a pod. it is cold and your reflexes are as slow as your motions. you have no strength to scream or to push the lid of the pod away from you. briefly, you wonder if everyone would forget about you if you just stayed here, quietly, but kamukura izuru is standing overtop you and you lurch forward on instinct and the pain rushes through your body, but only a croak falls from your lips. "kamukura," you say, but your throat is parched and your voice sounds like a stranger's. 

"I'm not," he says, then quiets.   
it is by luck that you remember,  _everything_. hinata hajime is standing before you; he is disguised as kamukura and you want to scream because hinata hajime won't kiss you or ignite the fire within your bones and you want to  _feel_ kamukura's arms wrapping around your thin frame and whispering the secrets of the universe into your ears. hinata hajime has slumped shoulders whereas kamukura izuru held himself proud. you do not want to live in a world without him, but hinata is stretching out a hand towards you and you are finding yourself taking it.  _  
_

and 76 days after, you want to erase the function of time  
because it hurts to watch the clock's hands tick towards infinity. 

and 76 days after, you wonder why hinata hajime is kissing you  
because it tastes like hope and coming home and you wrap your fingers around his arms and pull him close.

hinata hajime is ordinary, but also extraordinary and his kisses burn deep; he isn't kamukura izuru, but you find yourself slipping into familiarity as you press your fingers against the furrow in his brow to smooth it as he reads something that looks like a file and when you press your chapped lips against his temple, he just leans against you and the feeling behind your kneecap returns and you realize that you are in love with hinata hajime as well as kamukura izuru and they are beautiful, remarkable people that you will taint with your bad fortune. except this time around, you wonder if you can save hinata, but that thought disappears when he falls asleep next to you with his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and his nose buried in the crook of you neck and it is the 26th of november again.

instead, you wonder why time changed you.  
you wonder how many days _he_ has.  
and you wonder why there is a timer in you chest,  
and how you can possibly slow it to a stand-still  
just to be able to remain in this moment.  
(just to remain  _loved_.)

 


End file.
